“For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be
a bondservant of Christ.” (Gal. 1:10, NKJV)
In the previous teaching we spent a considerable amount of attention on the tenth fruit of pride, namely an unteachable spirit, and what an earth-shattering revelation it was! In today’s teaching we get to the eleventh fruit of pride, namely the pressing desire to want to please people, which Eph. 6:6 calls “men-pleasing”, or as we’re more familiar with the word, people pleasing.
It’s usually hard to link the two subjects, but deeply nestled pride often brings about a desire that all people must like you, often at the cost of yourself. The part of people pleasing that is often elided is your need for people to affirm your identity. At the core of this issue is a fear of rejection, a low image of oneself, a desire for the good opinion of others, which can only be alleviated by the false nourishment gained through being affirmed by others. There we find the overwhelming impact of pride when others affirm your personal worth because you were actually just doing what they were expecting of you (often because of selfish reasons).
A person who subtly tries to get someone’s favour has an underlying proud disposition where he or she thinks they can be everything for everyone. It’s not that they really want to do everything for other people, but the desire to please the other person is too big, the desire to, through that action, feel worthy and fulfilled, too great.
The people pleaser has an unhealthy level of drivenness to be accepted by others. This desire is so strong that it basically directs all the decisions in their life. Joyce Meyer refers to this as “the Approval Fix” – similar to any form of substance abuse, these individuals have to get the approval of others about matters, but the effect is often short in duration, the satisfaction disappears quickly, and then they need another fix of acknowledgement. It becomes a pathological state – without acknowledgement they become unhappy, feel rejected, depressed, and even very angry.
Most believers who suffer from this type of pride are not really honest with others about who they really are – they want people to have a specific image or idea of them, and they do not want to damage that idea under any circumstances. The people pleaser creates the impression that they enjoy certain things or activities, while it is not the case at all. They are carried away by the desires of others under the guise of themselves loving whatever it is that they’re being involved in, but deep within themselves it is only pretension. They will agree with most people, even though they may not share the same opinion, or even though it opposes what they know to be the truth. Within them we find an unbelievably deep fear of conflict, and they cannot carry themselves in arguments, often following the way of the least resistance – they appear to be agreeing, nodding their heads, or even remains quiet, giving their silent approval. This often again leads to judging themselves, to wrestling with their conscience, which further devastates the image they have of themselves, which in turn again aggravates the need for affirmation. This is an absolutely evil cycle.
It of course also happens that people pleasers say specific things only because they know that this is something other people want to hear. They will often change their opinion of something just to please those listening to them, even if they don’t really believe what they’re saying. At times we find blatant dishonesty toward other people when it comes to the people pleaser’s true thoughts and feelings, as they are trying to fulfil the other person’s wants and needs, and will do everything to establish that false perception of themselves.
Eph. 4:15 in the Message provides the counter to this falseness: “God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love–like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do.” Verse 25 makes it clear: “no more lies, no more pretence. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.”
It is important that people pleasers often ask themselves why they’re doing what they’re doing. Is it merely because people expect this of me, or is this truly my heart’s desire, my desire to serve in sincerity, to be obedient to the will of God? Most people do things just to maintain others’ good opinion of them, or to please others. We are often afraid people will think less or badly of us, because we are not meeting their expectations or standards. We desperately try to be all things for all people. To do anything because you feel you have no other choice, or because you’re fearful of the consequences if you don’t do it, or because you’re afraid of being rejected, is a sign that you’re doing something for the wrong reasons.
[This obviously does not mean that we can just do what we want! There are many things that I do not want to do, but that I do for the sake of myself and others, to ensure order, or because it is necessary. To name a few banal examples – you need to brush your teeth, clean the house, wash the dishes, mow the lawn, or whatever, without necessarily feeling like doing it, wanting to do it, as this is all necessary, albeit not always pleasurable. We cannot just negate these tasks (Rom. 13:13; Gal. 5:19; 1 Pet. 4:3)].
To know whether you’ve fallen into the snare of people pleasing, ask yourself if you’re sacrificing your own legitimate personal desires to be able to fulfil the desires of others. And together with this: do the needs and desires of other people dictate your choices and thus your life? Are you as Saul had to repent in 1 Sam. 15:24 (Msg) of himself, “’I’ve sinned. I’ve trampled roughshod over GOD’s Word and your instructions. I cared more about pleasing the people. I let them tell me what to do.”
In Gal. 1:10 Paul warns about this matter: “For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.” To this Jesus offers a solution in Joh. 5:30 (NCV): “I don’t try to please myself, but I try to please the One who sent me.” This is how Os Guinness phrases it in his magnificent The Call: “I am only ministering to an Audience of One.” In this way you become part of “a God-pleasing people” (1 Kings 10:9, Msg).
A large part of the restoration of this fruit of fear is thus to have a secure understanding of what exactly it is that God is indeed requiring of you. Have a look at 1 Cor. 4:3-4: “But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord.”
In Col. 3:23-24 a very practical guideline is presented for coming to a new approach and attitude with regards to this matter: “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.”
With all of this now spelled out, it is important to distinguish between people pleasing and what the Bible presents as “minister[ing] to the saints” (Rom. 15:25). In the measure to which you are involved with the never-ending wants and needs of other people, those who are never satisfied (Prov. 30:15), you are being robbed of the time and opportunity to actually do what you are called to do, that which is your primary calling. Because you have no boundaries, and do not know how to be firm, you lose the opportunity of fulfilling your calling. Because of this important matters drop from your to-do list because they are not urgent, are not screaming for your attention, and are continuously replaced by urgent matters that, within the larger context of things, are relatively unimportant. In this way your priorities are thus always cast aside.
Obviously this state of affairs also extends to people. People pleasing often comes into play with regards to people we see as important, but who often, alas, are manipulating us in the nicest way possible by false flattery, to act as if we’re indispensable to them, as if only you have the answers to their questions or if you’re the only person who can counsel them, or do something specific just for them. This results in relationships that are much more important, but perhaps less foregrounded (as with one’s partner or children) are relegated to secondary importance, and are thus damaged in the unbalanced prioritising.
From the above it becomes clear that people pleasing can easily elevate people instead of God, and that you become more obedient to their wants and needs, that you continually neglect your primary relationships in order to be fed through the acknowledgement of people who are not actually important. Strictly speaking you are choosing the will of people above the will of God. Apart from the fact that it is affecting your decision-making and prioritising in a serious manner, it can even become, in very serious scenarios, pure idolatry. It inevitably brings about that you will increasingly struggle to hear the voice of God, which has to compete with so many other voices competing for your attention, the clamour of voices in itself flattering your sense of self.
If you feel responsible for someone’s good mood, or if you feel guilty because they’re not feeling fulfilled, and if your health is suffering under the stress of other people and their expectations, if you are doing much more than what is expected of you merely because it is placing you in other people’s good books – then you are in an unholy alliance, and it will ensnare you (Prov. 29:25). If you consistently need reassurance that you have made the right decision, even when it comes to general things, like how many children you have, which sports activities you enjoy or don’t enjoy, the hairstyle you’ve chosen, where you go on holiday, or whatever. All of this is an indication of pride burrowing its way into all levels of decision-making, leaving behind a slimy trail of doubt cast over your choices.
In all circumstances we must not please men, but instead please “God who tests our hearts” (1 Thess. 2:4). “You may not love … the praise of men more than the praise of God” (John 12:43). Take Jer. 17:5 to heart: “Thus says the Lord: ‘Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord.”
In the next teaching we will deal with an aspect that flows from people pleasing as part of the fruit of pride, namely being honey-tongued.
- Selah: Are you a people pleaser?
- Read: 15-20; 2 Tim. 4; John 1-2; Ps. 90.
- Memorise: John 2:17 (is this a counter for people pleasing?).
- For a more in-depth understanding: Read Joyce Meyers’s The Approval Fix: How to Break Free from People Pleasing.
