“Every day I’m up against it, my nose rubbed in my shame” (Ps. 44:15, Message)
According to the seminal sources on narcissism the root of the mental illness is shame. In his book The Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-based Syndromes, Gershen Kauffman writes the following: “Shame is a sickness of the soul. It is the most poignant experience of the self by the self, whether felt in humiliation or cowardice, or in a sense of failure to cope successfully with a challenge. Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another.”
From the conclusion of this quote we can discern the core of narcissism: division.
Shame is the invisible shadow of narcissism. This often occurs in childhood when the child does something that is considered wrong by the parents or authority figures, or if the child displays some sort of physical or emotional element that is not acceptable to the parents. The child is then forced into a deep shame surrounding this matter, which can lead to a subconscious over-estimation of him or herself. This narcissistic facade is an attempt to overcome the depth of this shame, so that he/she no longer needs to experience it.
Consistent wounding in terms of the child’s disability (for instance having a cleft lip), inability (a child of an athletic parent who cannot run fast, or the less intelligent child of a very intelligent parent), sex (if the parents would have preferred a different sex), physical attributes (like a dark skin), habits (like bed-wetting), lead to toxic shame. The child feels that he is a mistake and should not have been born. (This often happens in comparison with other children, siblings or otherwise, who are seen as “better” than the child.) Toxic shame can also come from authority figures, especially parents, who cause children to chronically feel bad about themselves; who let children think that they are unworthy of the parent’s love, (physical) affection and validation. The child can then only escape to an imaginary world he has created, in which he meets the expectations of his parents.
Kent A Tompkins, in his article Narcissistic Traits and Relationship Dynamics, aptly summarises it: “The narcissist, preoccupied with self-regard and driven by and overwhelming desire to be appreciated, lives with the paradox of hatred turned inward to the self and distorted entitlement fantasies. Thus healing occurs when the narcissist is guided away from the guilt, exhibitionism and arrogance and led toward a resurgence of natural curiosity. For the narcissist, there are two central issues: a. The child’s search for the missing entitlement. b. The sense of being the ‘chosen one’ whose concentration on perfection, power and omnipotence leads to a perfect harmony with God. Narcissists seek out others to confirm or justify exaggerated entitlement fantasies and distortions that the world is deeply indebted to them.”
- Selah: Pray about the residue of shame found in your being.
- Read: 9-12; 2 Chr. 27.
- Memorise: 11:1-2.
- For a more in-depth understanding: Read Kaufman’s book.
